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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?
  • "I don't understand how the prison population has boomed. I mean, I know those guys screw all the time, but they can't get pregnant that way, can they?"

    John Montefusco Cab Driver
  • "For years, I've been calling for the construction of an interdimensional Phantom Zone to deal with this overcrowding problem."

    Omar Minton Prep Cook
  • "As CEO of Amalgamated Tin Cups & Orange Fabric, I say hooray!"

    Diane Ivie CEO
  • "There are far too many people in prison. Obviously, this country doesn't have enough high-profile defense attorneys."

    Helen Metzger Systems Analyst
  • "Shockingly, a full 40 percent of U.S. prisoners are incarcerated on marijuana-possession charges. You don't expect us to just let these fiends go, do you?"

    David Halicki Investment Banker
  • "I have only one question: How will this affect the Internet?"

    Dennis Herndon Magazine Editor

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