adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?
  • "I don't understand how the prison population has boomed. I mean, I know those guys screw all the time, but they can't get pregnant that way, can they?"

    John Montefusco Cab Driver
  • "For years, I've been calling for the construction of an interdimensional Phantom Zone to deal with this overcrowding problem."

    Omar Minton Prep Cook
  • "As CEO of Amalgamated Tin Cups & Orange Fabric, I say hooray!"

    Diane Ivie CEO
  • "There are far too many people in prison. Obviously, this country doesn't have enough high-profile defense attorneys."

    Helen Metzger Systems Analyst
  • "Shockingly, a full 40 percent of U.S. prisoners are incarcerated on marijuana-possession charges. You don't expect us to just let these fiends go, do you?"

    David Halicki Investment Banker
  • "I have only one question: How will this affect the Internet?"

    Dennis Herndon Magazine Editor

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close