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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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A Raise For Congress

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?
  • "Good. That extra $3,000 a year will help keep them away from the less-important bribes."

    Michelle Halley Crossing Guard
  • "Ordinarily I'd get upset by this, but due to the new amendments added to the Patriot Act last week, I no longer have the constitutional right to do so."

    Jeremy Watson Fire Inspector
  • "Now Dennis Hastert can put a down payment on that little home he's had his eye on for so long…mine."

    Rex Byers Systems Analyst
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