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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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A Raise For Congress

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?
  • "Good. That extra $3,000 a year will help keep them away from the less-important bribes."

    Michelle Halley Crossing Guard
  • "Ordinarily I'd get upset by this, but due to the new amendments added to the Patriot Act last week, I no longer have the constitutional right to do so."

    Jeremy Watson Fire Inspector
  • "Now Dennis Hastert can put a down payment on that little home he's had his eye on for so long…mine."

    Rex Byers Systems Analyst

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