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A Raise For Congress

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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A Raise For Congress

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?
  • "Good. That extra $3,000 a year will help keep them away from the less-important bribes."

    Michelle Halley Crossing Guard
  • "Ordinarily I'd get upset by this, but due to the new amendments added to the Patriot Act last week, I no longer have the constitutional right to do so."

    Jeremy Watson Fire Inspector
  • "Now Dennis Hastert can put a down payment on that little home he's had his eye on for so long…mine."

    Rex Byers Systems Analyst

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