A Raise For Congress

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

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A Raise For Congress

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?
  • "Good. That extra $3,000 a year will help keep them away from the less-important bribes."

    Michelle Halley
    Crossing Guard
  • "Ordinarily I'd get upset by this, but due to the new amendments added to the Patriot Act last week, I no longer have the constitutional right to do so."

    Jeremy Watson
    Fire Inspector
  • "Now Dennis Hastert can put a down payment on that little home he's had his eye on for so long…mine."

    Rex Byers
    Systems Analyst