A Woman In The White House?

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Vol 35 Issue 01

Important Piece Of Paper Tragically Smudged With Breadstick Grease

LOS ANGELES—An important piece of paper was tragically and irreversibly smudged Monday, when Los Angeles marketing executive Nelson Whittier inadvertently handled a sales-strategy proposal while eating a grease-soaked Pizzeria Uno breadstick. "Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it," said Whittier, who was giving the proposal "a final look-see" during his lunch hour when then tragic smudging occurred. "Fuck." The smudges, described as a pair of opaque, thumb-shaped stains, one on each side of the document, are believed to be permanent. Following the incident, Whittier spent the next 45 minutes holding the piece of paper up to the light and swearing loudly.

Herbie Goes Bananas

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Herbie, the media-dubbed "Love Bug," became entangled Monday in a series of madcap South American misadventures which ultimately resulted in his going bananas. "One minute, everything was fine, and the next, Herbie was going what I could only describe as 'bananas,'" witness Harvey Korman told reporters. The sentient 1963 Volkswagen Beetle, in Rio De Janeiro to compete in the Grande Premio auto race, reportedly went bananas after unwittingly becoming mixed up with a smuggling ring, a plucky orphan pickpocket, and an angry bull. Despite the zany, trying nature of his ordeal, Herbie said he fully intends to ride again.

I've Wanted To Be A Sales Rep Ever Since I Was 34

I'll bet a lot of people out there are wondering how someone like me got to where I am today. How did an average guy who never had a lot of formal education and, frankly, wasn't expected to go very far, wind up making it to one of the top sales positions at the second largest distributor of bathroom fixtures in all of Kentucky? Well, I'll tell you. It happened because a man had a dream, and he never lost sight of that dream. You see, ever since I was just 34, I've wanted to be a sales rep.

Boy-Group Mania

From Backstreet Boys to 'N Sync to Boyzone, boy groups rules the pop charts these days. Why are they so popular?
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A Woman In The White House?

Elizabeth Dole's recent decision to leave the Red Cross is regarded by many as a sign that she will run for president in 2000. What do you think about the prospect of a first-ever female president?
  • "Haven't we learned our lesson about letting a woman into the Oval Office? What if she started giving people blow jobs? It'd be disaster all over again."

    Barry Sims
    Stockbroker
  • "Bob Dole would make a glamorous First Lady."

    Emily Weston
    Insurance Agent
  • "I warned this would happen if we gave women the vote. Now they're all drunk with power."

    Oscar Grosz
    Systems Analyst
  • "Anyone with half a brain knows that women are just as capable of leading as men. Just look what a good job Captain Janeway has done."

    Kathleen Riegert
    Student
  • "A woman can't be president, because she might get PMS and make bad decisions. Only male presidents can properly control their hormones."

    Sunil Shahpura
    Cashier
  • "I think there should be a woman in the White House, but not Elizabeth Dole. She's just not hot enough."

    Kevin Dobson
    Delivery Driver
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