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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Abercrombie & Fitch Dropping Logos From Clothes

After years of plummeting sales, Abercrombie & Fitch has announced that it will drop its once-prized logos from all of its upcoming clothing lines to compete with competitors like Forever 21 and H&M. What do you think?

  • “Ah, they finally realized how much cooler it is to belatedly copy your rivals.”

    Danny Metzler Assistant Doorman
  • “Godspeed to the CEO who had to face down such a difficult decision.”

    David Graf Skylight Cleaner
  • “This is a good start, but I’m still way too intimidated by teenagers to shop there.”

    Susan Marshall Napkin Folder

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