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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is "contrary to the aspirational image of the brand." What do you think?

  • “I've been not-wearing their clothes for decades and I haven't made a dime. And I'm a complete jerk-off. The world just doesn't make sense anymore.”

    Sara Kingdom Systems Analyst
  • "Poor Abercrombie & Fitch. They're merely trying to sexualize young girls and subtly mock Asian people and The Situation has to come in and tarnish their good name."

    Don Chaplett Dado Operator
  • “They tried that with Tara Reid and Kmart’s Kathy Ireland line. Didn’t work.”

    Damon Wills Flanger

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