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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

After years of lagging sales, retail chain Abercrombie & Fitch is reportedly trying to ditch its stores’ “nightclub vibe” by installing brighter lights, minimizing loud music and the smell of cologne, and featuring fewer pictures of half-clothed models on the walls. What do you think?

  • “Big mistake. Today’s teens still like things loud and smelly.”

    Martin Hass Marine Mammal Trainer
  • “You know what? It wasn’t easy for me to put down the cologne, loud music, and half-naked pictures to get the teens to come back, but I did, and they have.”

    Dennis Hutmacher Payroll Examiner
  • “All I look for in a clothing store is good prices and a sword swallower.”

    Merrill Jollenbeck Press Writer

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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