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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

After years of lagging sales, retail chain Abercrombie & Fitch is reportedly trying to ditch its stores’ “nightclub vibe” by installing brighter lights, minimizing loud music and the smell of cologne, and featuring fewer pictures of half-clothed models on the walls. What do you think?

  • “Big mistake. Today’s teens still like things loud and smelly.”

    Martin Hass Marine Mammal Trainer
  • “You know what? It wasn’t easy for me to put down the cologne, loud music, and half-naked pictures to get the teens to come back, but I did, and they have.”

    Dennis Hutmacher Payroll Examiner
  • “All I look for in a clothing store is good prices and a sword swallower.”

    Merrill Jollenbeck Press Writer

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