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Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens

After years of lagging sales, retail chain Abercrombie & Fitch is reportedly trying to ditch its stores’ “nightclub vibe” by installing brighter lights, minimizing loud music and the smell of cologne, and featuring fewer pictures of half-clothed models on the walls. What do you think?

  • “Big mistake. Today’s teens still like things loud and smelly.”

    Martin Hass Marine Mammal Trainer
  • “You know what? It wasn’t easy for me to put down the cologne, loud music, and half-naked pictures to get the teens to come back, but I did, and they have.”

    Dennis Hutmacher Payroll Examiner
  • “All I look for in a clothing store is good prices and a sword swallower.”

    Merrill Jollenbeck Press Writer

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