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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Abortion Not Linked To Depression

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think?
  • "Where does the pro-depression lobby stand on this study?"

    Mark Pritchard Cemetery Caretaker
  • "They are, however, at greater risk of having dreams in which a little baby says to them, 'Mommy, why did you abort me?'"

    Mike Couey Newspaper Circulation Manager
  • "Shut up. I need to concentrate on this scratch-off so my baby can get formula."

    Sarah Garth Hotel Clerk

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