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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Abortion Not Linked To Depression

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think?
  • "Where does the pro-depression lobby stand on this study?"

    Mark Pritchard Cemetery Caretaker
  • "They are, however, at greater risk of having dreams in which a little baby says to them, 'Mommy, why did you abort me?'"

    Mike Couey Newspaper Circulation Manager
  • "Shut up. I need to concentrate on this scratch-off so my baby can get formula."

    Sarah Garth Hotel Clerk
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