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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Abortion Not Linked To Depression

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think?
  • "Where does the pro-depression lobby stand on this study?"

    Mark Pritchard Cemetery Caretaker
  • "They are, however, at greater risk of having dreams in which a little baby says to them, 'Mommy, why did you abort me?'"

    Mike Couey Newspaper Circulation Manager
  • "Shut up. I need to concentrate on this scratch-off so my baby can get formula."

    Sarah Garth Hotel Clerk

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