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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Abortion Not Linked To Depression

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think?
  • "Where does the pro-depression lobby stand on this study?"

    Mark Pritchard Cemetery Caretaker
  • "They are, however, at greater risk of having dreams in which a little baby says to them, 'Mommy, why did you abort me?'"

    Mike Couey Newspaper Circulation Manager
  • "Shut up. I need to concentrate on this scratch-off so my baby can get formula."

    Sarah Garth Hotel Clerk
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