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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low

The overall number and rate of abortions in the United States fell 5 percent from 2008 to 2009, the biggest drop in at least a decade, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What do you think?

  • “Aw, but they solve everything!”

    Nikki O’Leary Ballistics Expert
  • “No shit. Who wants to have sex with all these fat people?”

    Mike Stocks Kick Press Operator
  • “Thanks! This is exactly the kind of interesting conversation starter I needed tonight for my big dinner with my boss and his wife.”

    Doug Saratan Account Manager

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