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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low

The overall number and rate of abortions in the United States fell 5 percent from 2008 to 2009, the biggest drop in at least a decade, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What do you think?

  • “Aw, but they solve everything!”

    Nikki O’Leary Ballistics Expert
  • “No shit. Who wants to have sex with all these fat people?”

    Mike Stocks Kick Press Operator
  • “Thanks! This is exactly the kind of interesting conversation starter I needed tonight for my big dinner with my boss and his wife.”

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