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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Abramoff Gets 70 Months

Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe public officials. What do you think?
  • "I'd be psyched to have Abramoff as my cellmate. Imagine the gifts you'd get."

    Rick Simms Systems Analyst
  • "I guess we can expect to see a lot more brown-bag egg-salad sandwiches and Lunchables in Congress."

    Danielle Evans Mayoral Aide
  • "Why are you asking me?! I don't know the guy! Never met him!"

    Todd Cole Phlebotomist

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