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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Abstinence Education Doesn't Work

A government report ordered by Congress shows that abstinence-only education is ineffective. What do you think?
  • "I find it astonishing that our public schools were unable to beat out the most basic human instinct that perpetuates our species."

    Xander Griffey Construction Worker
  • "That's it. From now on my kids will learn about sex the way I did–from a grabby uncle."

    Penelope Schaal Tailor
  • "To give the course some credit, it is by far the easiest to teach."

    Kurt Dobler Dog Trainer

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