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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Acorns Missing In Northeast

In states from Virginia to Maine, oak trees have failed to produce the usual abundance of acorns. What do you think?
  • "Finally, the noble chestnut will get its due respect."

    Charlie Powell Systems Analyst
  • "It's a sad day when I have nothing to write in my acorn diary."

    Wendy Thompson Day Care Owner
  • "It looks as though the revolt of the Maples as foretold by the bard Geddy Lee has finally come to pass."

    Kevin Smerker Plumber

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