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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

New ads produced by the US-based Competitive Enterprise Institute defend carbon dioxide emissions as a byproduct essential to our way of life. What do you think?
  • "I don't know if I'd say dry ice is essential to heavy metal shows but, yeah, it's important."

    Carlos MacDonald DJ
  • "I am sick of all of my favorite pollutants getting a bad rap. Please don't let carbon dioxide go the way of cyanide, sulfuric acid, and galvanic sludge."

    Sarah Mallory Solar Panel Installer
  • "Lying in advertising. Is there anything these people won't do?"

    Jonah Jacobson Systems Analyst

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