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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

New ads produced by the US-based Competitive Enterprise Institute defend carbon dioxide emissions as a byproduct essential to our way of life. What do you think?
  • "I don't know if I'd say dry ice is essential to heavy metal shows but, yeah, it's important."

    Carlos MacDonald DJ
  • "I am sick of all of my favorite pollutants getting a bad rap. Please don't let carbon dioxide go the way of cyanide, sulfuric acid, and galvanic sludge."

    Sarah Mallory Solar Panel Installer
  • "Lying in advertising. Is there anything these people won't do?"

    Jonah Jacobson Systems Analyst

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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