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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Adult-Proof Ringtone

Some teens are reportedly using a ringtone so high-pitched that most adults cannot hear it. What do you think?
  • "This should go great with my son's text messages, which are too small for me to read."

    Sasha Rhodes Paper Maker
  • "What would really drive adults nuts is if they invented a silent ring option, like vibrate."

    Jerry Garver Systems Analyst
  • "With this new technology, I worry that today's girls are losing critical note-passing skills."

    Nate Steadman Lathe Operator

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