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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

A Centers for Disease Control survey revealed that statistically few adults get immunization shots for common ailments, such as tetanus and influenza. What do you think?
  • "If I'm getting immunized, I'm going for the good stuff, like the monkeypox and Japanese encephalitis, not your everyday garbage diseases."

    Tabitha Flynn Machinist
  • "Without the smiley-face Band-Aid and Dum Dum lollipop, I hardly see the point."

    Sam Fox Bus Driver
  • "I don't mind having the flu every now and then, so I can give it to people I hate at work."

    Arnold Lithman Gem Cutter

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