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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

A Centers for Disease Control survey revealed that statistically few adults get immunization shots for common ailments, such as tetanus and influenza. What do you think?
  • "If I'm getting immunized, I'm going for the good stuff, like the monkeypox and Japanese encephalitis, not your everyday garbage diseases."

    Tabitha Flynn Machinist
  • "Without the smiley-face Band-Aid and Dum Dum lollipop, I hardly see the point."

    Sam Fox Bus Driver
  • "I don't mind having the flu every now and then, so I can give it to people I hate at work."

    Arnold Lithman Gem Cutter
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