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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving

Challenging popular beliefs, a report by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that adults were actually far more likely to text or talk on the phone while driving than teenagers. What do you think?

  • “But I do my best Vines while driving.”

    Sharon Atwell Lumberyard Manager
  • “Who else is going to call the numbers listed on the back of big rigs that are driving erratically?”

    Blake Templeton Well Digger
  • “I love being an adult because we can do whatever we want.”

    Kevin Simmons Oral Surgeon

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