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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Affirmative Action Under Fire

President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think?
  • "Affirmative action unfairly keeps more qualified applicants out of college. Kind of like having a rich, politically connected daddy."

    Tom Edwards Systems Analyst
  • "Christ. NBC's A Different World wasn't enough, now they want to go to 'real' college, too?"

    Frank Krantz Architect
  • "I once met someone who says she lost a job because of affirmative action, and I've never met anyone who's benefitted, so I'm opposed."

    Marci Hoffler Homemaker
  • "Why do those people act like we owe them something? Oh, right."

    Marla Simmons Student
  • "I applaud Bush's hardline stand on this issue, as once a nigra get his head full-a learnin', he start up a-thinkin', an' then there ain't no keepin' him down no-how."

    Rich Skoldek Plumber
  • "This is an extremely complex, emotionally charged issue, but one thing is clear: Condoleezza Rice's name is funny."

    Dennis Dugan Cab Driver

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