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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?
  • "This is a sad day for organized crime—labor! I meant labor!"

    Diane Black Cardiologist
  • "I'm reserving my judgment until I know what side Springsteen's on.

    Steven Watson Real-Estate Appraiser
  • "Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but those incredibly tacky gold chains you wear."

    Jody Soares Systems Analyst
  • "'Boo-hoo... I'm all alone... People are leaving me all alone. Boo-hoo. I'm the AFL-CIO. Boo-hoo.' Grow up!"

    Jesse Pearson Short-Order Cook
  • "Wait a second... Didn't Reagan end organized labor?"

    Kenneth Trapp Investment Banker
  • "All's I know is, somebody's gotta drive this here pickle truck to Secaucus, and it ain't gonna be me."

    Jeffrey Courson Truck Dispatcher


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