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Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
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AFL-CIO Split

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?
  • "This is a sad day for organized crime—labor! I meant labor!"

    Diane Black Cardiologist
  • "I'm reserving my judgment until I know what side Springsteen's on.

    Steven Watson Real-Estate Appraiser
  • "Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but those incredibly tacky gold chains you wear."

    Jody Soares Systems Analyst
  • "'Boo-hoo... I'm all alone... People are leaving me all alone. Boo-hoo. I'm the AFL-CIO. Boo-hoo.' Grow up!"

    Jesse Pearson Short-Order Cook
  • "Wait a second... Didn't Reagan end organized labor?"

    Kenneth Trapp Investment Banker
  • "All's I know is, somebody's gotta drive this here pickle truck to Secaucus, and it ain't gonna be me."

    Jeffrey Courson Truck Dispatcher

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