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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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AFL-CIO Split

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?
  • "This is a sad day for organized crime—labor! I meant labor!"

    Diane Black Cardiologist
  • "I'm reserving my judgment until I know what side Springsteen's on.

    Steven Watson Real-Estate Appraiser
  • "Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but those incredibly tacky gold chains you wear."

    Jody Soares Systems Analyst
  • "'Boo-hoo... I'm all alone... People are leaving me all alone. Boo-hoo. I'm the AFL-CIO. Boo-hoo.' Grow up!"

    Jesse Pearson Short-Order Cook
  • "Wait a second... Didn't Reagan end organized labor?"

    Kenneth Trapp Investment Banker
  • "All's I know is, somebody's gotta drive this here pickle truck to Secaucus, and it ain't gonna be me."

    Jeffrey Courson Truck Dispatcher
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