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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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AFL-CIO Split

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?
  • "This is a sad day for organized crime—labor! I meant labor!"

    Diane Black Cardiologist
  • "I'm reserving my judgment until I know what side Springsteen's on.

    Steven Watson Real-Estate Appraiser
  • "Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but those incredibly tacky gold chains you wear."

    Jody Soares Systems Analyst
  • "'Boo-hoo... I'm all alone... People are leaving me all alone. Boo-hoo. I'm the AFL-CIO. Boo-hoo.' Grow up!"

    Jesse Pearson Short-Order Cook
  • "Wait a second... Didn't Reagan end organized labor?"

    Kenneth Trapp Investment Banker
  • "All's I know is, somebody's gotta drive this here pickle truck to Secaucus, and it ain't gonna be me."

    Jeffrey Courson Truck Dispatcher

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