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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Aid Workers Stealing Children

Several French aid workers are charged with trying to smuggle 103 children they claimed were orphans from Darfur, but in reality were children with living parents from Chad. What do you think?
  • "I'm outraged that my Darfur orphan may just be a cheap Chadian knockoff."

    Gery Weidemeyer Waste Management Worker
  • "We all know Mr. and Mrs. Oueddei weren't giving their son the support he needed to become a successful subsistence farmer."

    Cathy Terrell Systems Analyst
  • "My guess is the non-orphan issue would be moot a year or two from now."

    Hal Getrust Cabinet Maker

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