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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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AIDS Turns 25

HIV/AIDS was first described in the medical journal Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 25 years ago this month. What do you think?
  • "Now that we've put down the stereotype of the 'gay man's disease,' we can focus on making fun of diseases that are truly gay, like reflux."

    Charles Marr Janitor
  • "Happy birthday, AIDS! You¹ve grown so much in 25 years!"

    Camille Guerrero Carpenter
  • "In retrospect, we can see how optimistic those early reports were. I mean, who could have seen Rent coming?"

    Eddie Stark Daycare Assistant

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