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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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AIDS Turns 25

HIV/AIDS was first described in the medical journal Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 25 years ago this month. What do you think?
  • "Now that we've put down the stereotype of the 'gay man's disease,' we can focus on making fun of diseases that are truly gay, like reflux."

    Charles Marr Janitor
  • "Happy birthday, AIDS! You¹ve grown so much in 25 years!"

    Camille Guerrero Carpenter
  • "In retrospect, we can see how optimistic those early reports were. I mean, who could have seen Rent coming?"

    Eddie Stark Daycare Assistant

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