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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Ailing Hugo Chavez Makes Surprise Return

After spending more than two months in seclusion in Cuba following cancer surgery, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez made an unannounced return home yesterday, at which time he was immediately transferred to a local hospital. What do you think?

  • “Ah, the prodigal son returns. Right? I don’t know enough about Chavez, Venezuela, or the Bible to know if that applies.”

    Harold Jansen Drill Bit Sharpener
  • “He really needs to shoot off a couple fiery anti–U.S. imperialism invectives to show that he’s still doing the job of governing Venezuela.”

    Jay Yasutake Unemployed
  • “I hope he was able to say goodbye to Castro.”

    Kristine March Rhinestone Setter

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