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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?
  • "I think the Aviation Department should do a better job of painting those yellow lines in the air to prevent such mishaps."

    Lynette Henke Veterinarian
  • "Maybe the government has been giving out a bit too much hash lately."

    Raul Herron Roofer
  • "They were probably testing something. Just like the time they tested my anus to see if I was gay."

    Robert Pettit Building Contractor
  • "I find it surprising to hear about these accidents, especially when I think of the fine caliber of individuals in the military that I knew in high-school shop class."

    Rachel Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "Remember in 1983 when we shot down that Korean Airlines jet? That was sweet."

    Gregg Syzinski Chiropractor
  • "Kenny Loggins was right—they really do fly into the Danger Zone."

    Richmond Burger Carpenter

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