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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?
  • "I think the Aviation Department should do a better job of painting those yellow lines in the air to prevent such mishaps."

    Lynette Henke Veterinarian
  • "Maybe the government has been giving out a bit too much hash lately."

    Raul Herron Roofer
  • "They were probably testing something. Just like the time they tested my anus to see if I was gay."

    Robert Pettit Building Contractor
  • "I find it surprising to hear about these accidents, especially when I think of the fine caliber of individuals in the military that I knew in high-school shop class."

    Rachel Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "Remember in 1983 when we shot down that Korean Airlines jet? That was sweet."

    Gregg Syzinski Chiropractor
  • "Kenny Loggins was right—they really do fly into the Danger Zone."

    Richmond Burger Carpenter
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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