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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?
  • "I think the Aviation Department should do a better job of painting those yellow lines in the air to prevent such mishaps."

    Lynette Henke Veterinarian
  • "Maybe the government has been giving out a bit too much hash lately."

    Raul Herron Roofer
  • "They were probably testing something. Just like the time they tested my anus to see if I was gay."

    Robert Pettit Building Contractor
  • "I find it surprising to hear about these accidents, especially when I think of the fine caliber of individuals in the military that I knew in high-school shop class."

    Rachel Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "Remember in 1983 when we shot down that Korean Airlines jet? That was sweet."

    Gregg Syzinski Chiropractor
  • "Kenny Loggins was right—they really do fly into the Danger Zone."

    Richmond Burger Carpenter

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