Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area into a panic on Monday. What do you think?
  • “Wasn’t this part of the stimulus package for New York therapists?”

    Iris Shaked Unemployed
  • "Bad or good, the publicity worked. Next time, I'm flying with Air Force One."

    Elliott Bassin Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no—the invisible World Trade Center Memorial buildings!"

    Owen Gruber Garment Presser

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