adBlockCheck

Local

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
End Of Section
  • More News

Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area into a panic on Monday. What do you think?
  • “Wasn’t this part of the stimulus package for New York therapists?”

    Iris Shaked Unemployed
  • "Bad or good, the publicity worked. Next time, I'm flying with Air Force One."

    Elliott Bassin Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no—the invisible World Trade Center Memorial buildings!"

    Owen Gruber Garment Presser

More from this section

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close