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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Airline Passenger Complaints Up Sharply

According to data from the Department of Transportation, the number of passenger complaints about airline travel soared 20 percent in 2012, with United earning the title of the most complained-about airline. What do you think?

  • “As the talkative guy eating a tuna salad sandwich next to you, I’m largely to blame for this report.”

    Wayne Lemmon Buckle Gluer
  • “Why are these people complaining to the Department of Transportation when there’s a perfectly good flight attendant on the plane they could scream at right there?”

    Brooke Cochran Electrode Cleaner
  • “These people need to relax, open up the latest issue of Hemispheres, and lose themselves in a story about Jacksonville’s nightlife hot spots.”

    Dirk Osterberg Systems Analyst

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