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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Airline Passenger Complaints Up Sharply

According to data from the Department of Transportation, the number of passenger complaints about airline travel soared 20 percent in 2012, with United earning the title of the most complained-about airline. What do you think?

  • “As the talkative guy eating a tuna salad sandwich next to you, I’m largely to blame for this report.”

    Wayne Lemmon Buckle Gluer
  • “Why are these people complaining to the Department of Transportation when there’s a perfectly good flight attendant on the plane they could scream at right there?”

    Brooke Cochran Electrode Cleaner
  • “These people need to relax, open up the latest issue of Hemispheres, and lose themselves in a story about Jacksonville’s nightlife hot spots.”

    Dirk Osterberg Systems Analyst

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