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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Airplane Bird Strikes On The Rise

A study from the Department of Transportation found that aircraft bird strikes in the U.S. have increased more than fivefold since 1990, with nearly 10,000 such instances last year alone. What do you think?

  • “It may help if right before takeoff, the pilot yells ‘Shoo!’ or ‘Git!’”

    Michelle Jensen Systems Analyst
  • “Tell me honestly: women pilots?”

    Ruben Culp Dredge Deckhand
  • “Ugh, I know. And then when we got to Phoenix, my bags weren’t there!”

    Miranda Velasco Soda Dialyzer

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