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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Airplane Bird Strikes On The Rise

A study from the Department of Transportation found that aircraft bird strikes in the U.S. have increased more than fivefold since 1990, with nearly 10,000 such instances last year alone. What do you think?

  • “It may help if right before takeoff, the pilot yells ‘Shoo!’ or ‘Git!’”

    Michelle Jensen Systems Analyst
  • “Tell me honestly: women pilots?”

    Ruben Culp Dredge Deckhand
  • “Ugh, I know. And then when we got to Phoenix, my bags weren’t there!”

    Miranda Velasco Soda Dialyzer

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