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Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?
  • "Those terrorists don't scare me. At least not without the help of my government."

    Janet Barker
    Pedicurist
  • "Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?"

    Jacob Shafer
    Accountant
  • "Well, Grandpa's been complaining about his shoulder lately, and that can only mean one thing."

    Marlene Porter
    Real Estate Agent
  • "Awesome! This will save me the trouble of killing myself!"

    Charles Sornsin
    Cook
  • "So we should...?"

    Juan Axelson
    Barber
  • "I'm sorry, but if they attack us again, we're going to have to go after them this time."

    Timothy Seymour
    Systems Analyst

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