adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?
  • "Those terrorists don't scare me. At least not without the help of my government."

    Janet Barker Pedicurist
  • "Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?"

    Jacob Shafer Accountant
  • "Well, Grandpa's been complaining about his shoulder lately, and that can only mean one thing."

    Marlene Porter Real Estate Agent
  • "Awesome! This will save me the trouble of killing myself!"

    Charles Sornsin Cook
  • "So we should...?"

    Juan Axelson Barber
  • "I'm sorry, but if they attack us again, we're going to have to go after them this time."

    Timothy Seymour Systems Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close