adBlockCheck

Recent News

Report: You Have Won!

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won!
End Of Section
  • More News

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?
  • "Those terrorists don't scare me. At least not without the help of my government."

    Janet Barker Pedicurist
  • "Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?"

    Jacob Shafer Accountant
  • "Well, Grandpa's been complaining about his shoulder lately, and that can only mean one thing."

    Marlene Porter Real Estate Agent
  • "Awesome! This will save me the trouble of killing myself!"

    Charles Sornsin Cook
  • "So we should...?"

    Juan Axelson Barber
  • "I'm sorry, but if they attack us again, we're going to have to go after them this time."

    Timothy Seymour Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close