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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Al-Qaeda Plot To Derail Train Thwarted By Canadians

Canadian authorities apprehended two individuals who allegedly planned to cause a derailment on a passenger train traveling from Toronto to New York City, a plot they claim was directed and guided by al-Qaeda elements in Iran. What do you think?

  • “It was all over once they leaked what time the train was leaving and how fast it would be traveling.”

    Rebekah Sabban Basketball Coach
  • “Canada? Iran? A train? Now things are getting interesting.”

    Bronson Paciorek Ingot Weigher
  • “By now, you’d think terrorists would learn how to communicate without chattering.”

    Billy Stark Unemployed

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