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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Al-Zarqawi Dead

Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi, alleged leader of the Iraqi insurgency, was killed in a U.S. airstrike Wednesday. What do you think?
  • "Ha! I pity the thousands upon thousands of people who will readily take his place."

    Ben Rzyczec Programmer
  • "We created him—it's only fair we got rid of him."

    Heather Greene Dietician
  • "This is a big fish. See, when you kill a big fish, you remove the most advantageous genetics, so the next generation is smaller and weaker. And fish are militant ideologues with a cache of weapons. So the metaphor is very apt."

    Robert Holloway Systems Analyst

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