adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Albert's Choice

The Democratic National Convention is underway, and much of the focus is on Al Gore's running mate, Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew. What do you think of the prospect of a Jewish vice-president?
  • "It's hard to imagine the possibility of a Jew in a position of power and influence."

    Danielle Sisler Dental Hygienist
  • "Aren't we all jumping to conclusions here? Just because his name is Lieberman doesn't mean he's Jewish."

    Sarah Slocombe Librarian
  • "If the Jews want one of their own in the White House, why are they going through all these non-devious, above-ground channels?"

    Nate Robinson Systems Analyst
  • "A Jew in the White House? He's gonna start passing all sorts of crazy measures, like, 'The American people should eat something, already.'"

    Paul Zygmund Locksmith
  • "So instead of just Jew York, we gonna have Jew everything? Jew Mexico, Jew Orleans, and Jewisville, Kiketucky? And I ain't bass fishin' on no Lake Jewperior."

    Bob MacTaggart Roofer
  • "I got nothin' against the Jews, but let me put it this way: Would you want your daughter to nominate one for vice-president? I rest my case."

    Frederick Hutch Airline Pilot

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close