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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Alcohol Awareness Class

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?
  • "Sure, I’m sober now, but I will never, ever be able to take back that disparaging Sigur Rós comment I put on my blog. Oh, time’s remorseless arrow!"

    Clive Teplitski Construction Manager
  • "I thought that was what the occasional death of a fraternity pledge is for."

    Robert Low Butcher
  • "You know, there’s very little of this bullshit at my son’s trade school."

    Kathy Pickett Jeweler

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