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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Alcohol Awareness Class

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?
  • "Sure, I’m sober now, but I will never, ever be able to take back that disparaging Sigur Rós comment I put on my blog. Oh, time’s remorseless arrow!"

    Clive Teplitski Construction Manager
  • "I thought that was what the occasional death of a fraternity pledge is for."

    Robert Low Butcher
  • "You know, there’s very little of this bullshit at my son’s trade school."

    Kathy Pickett Jeweler
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