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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Alito Confirmation Likely

Despite a contentious hearing, Samuel Alito appears to be on track to be nominated to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. What do you think?
  • "I don't care who gets confirmed at this point. Just get Ted Kennedy off my fucking television."

    Chris Grace Office Manager
  • "How can the Senate spend so much time on this nonsense? Don't they have awful laws to rubber-stamp?"

    Elna Baker Hostess
  • "I'm not sure he'll be confirmed. The Senate asked him where he sees himself in five years, and his response showed very little initiative."

    Mauricio Bermidez Statistician

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