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Alito Confirmation Likely

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Alito Confirmation Likely

Despite a contentious hearing, Samuel Alito appears to be on track to be nominated to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. What do you think?
  • "I don't care who gets confirmed at this point. Just get Ted Kennedy off my fucking television."

    Chris Grace Office Manager
  • "How can the Senate spend so much time on this nonsense? Don't they have awful laws to rubber-stamp?"

    Elna Baker Hostess
  • "I'm not sure he'll be confirmed. The Senate asked him where he sees himself in five years, and his response showed very little initiative."

    Mauricio Bermidez Statistician

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