Alito Nominated

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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Alito Nominated

President Bush nominated conservative Judge Samuel Alito as a replacement for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court. What do you think?
  • "With all the recent distractions, I’m looking forward to when the Supreme Court can finally settle down and go back to handing out awful, awful rulings again."

    Bethany Daniels
    Collections Agent
  • "So he's nicknamed 'Scalito' because of his similarity to Scalia. I see. Why were we all so against Miers, again?"

    Greg Brathwaite
    Primary-School Teacher
  • "When Alito is asked to state his full name before the confirmation hearings, he should say 'Harriet Miers.' Then after the entire audience finally stops laughing, he could say, 'No, seriously, it’s Samuel A. Alito Jr.'"

    Brad Vodak
    Kiln Operator