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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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All Blue Angels Air Shows Canceled In 2013

Facing sequestration-related budget cuts, the Navy has canceled all appearances of its popular Blue Angels stunt-flying team for the rest of the year, officially grounding the elite pilots and their iconic blue-and-yellow jets. What do you think?

  • “There goes my plan to load up the microbus and follow the Blue Angels around all summer.”

    Walter Robling Elephant Keeper
  • “I never thought it was right for children to see fighter jets flying in such close formation anyhow, what with their gyrating around and climactic soaring and fuel-discharging.”

    Isabel Bierbaum Political Scientist
  • “To honor them, I’ve been doing a lot more barrel rolls.”

    Jack Merz Casualty Actuary

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