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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012. What do you think?

  • “Wow, is that hot.”

    Jeff Stuver Systems Analyst
  • “It is not our place to judge Florida or its bizarre customs.”

    Sam Goss Foreign Student Adviser
  • “Six women are about to become the best of friends under the unlikeliest of circumstances.”

    Irena Soukup Roof Bolter
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