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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Allen Settles With American Apparel

Filmmaker Woody Allen reached a $5 million settlement with American Apparel after suing the clothing manufacturer for unauthorized use of his likeness from Annie Hall on a billboard. What do you think?
  • "Why is it that whenever Woody Allen goes to court it involves photos of scantily clad young girls in some way?"

    Grant Baker-Robe Adhesive Sprayer
  • "I hope he doesn't just blow the money at Elaine's."

    John Perks Reactor Operator
  • "So that American Apparel owner guy had sex with Woody Allen, too? Ew."

    Marquita Cotti New Account Supervisor
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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