Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries

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Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries

Overwhelmed by the huge number of Amazon Prime subscribers who are choosing the site’s speedy shipping service, Amazon is offering $1 in credit toward video downloads to anyone who chooses “No-Rush” shipping, which delivers products in five to seven days instead of two. What do you think?

  • “How much are they offering if I don’t order at all?”

    Greg Kanalley
    Muffin Slicer
  • “Getting paid a dollar for accepting poor service is just one of the perks of a $99-per-year Amazon Prime membership.”

    Matthew Sumpter
    Livestock Counter
  • “No way. I want my DVD of Major League in two days, and I don’t care how many millions it costs Amazon.”

    Patricia Hinzman
    Salon Assistant
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