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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries

Overwhelmed by the huge number of Amazon Prime subscribers who are choosing the site’s speedy shipping service, Amazon is offering $1 in credit toward video downloads to anyone who chooses “No-Rush” shipping, which delivers products in five to seven days instead of two. What do you think?

  • “How much are they offering if I don’t order at all?”

    Greg Kanalley Muffin Slicer
  • “Getting paid a dollar for accepting poor service is just one of the perks of a $99-per-year Amazon Prime membership.”

    Matthew Sumpter Livestock Counter
  • “No way. I want my DVD of Major League in two days, and I don’t care how many millions it costs Amazon.”

    Patricia Hinzman Salon Assistant

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