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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries

Overwhelmed by the huge number of Amazon Prime subscribers who are choosing the site’s speedy shipping service, Amazon is offering $1 in credit toward video downloads to anyone who chooses “No-Rush” shipping, which delivers products in five to seven days instead of two. What do you think?

  • “How much are they offering if I don’t order at all?”

    Greg Kanalley Muffin Slicer
  • “Getting paid a dollar for accepting poor service is just one of the perks of a $99-per-year Amazon Prime membership.”

    Matthew Sumpter Livestock Counter
  • “No way. I want my DVD of Major League in two days, and I don’t care how many millions it costs Amazon.”

    Patricia Hinzman Salon Assistant

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