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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries

Overwhelmed by the huge number of Amazon Prime subscribers who are choosing the site’s speedy shipping service, Amazon is offering $1 in credit toward video downloads to anyone who chooses “No-Rush” shipping, which delivers products in five to seven days instead of two. What do you think?

  • “How much are they offering if I don’t order at all?”

    Greg Kanalley Muffin Slicer
  • “Getting paid a dollar for accepting poor service is just one of the perks of a $99-per-year Amazon Prime membership.”

    Matthew Sumpter Livestock Counter
  • “No way. I want my DVD of Major League in two days, and I don’t care how many millions it costs Amazon.”

    Patricia Hinzman Salon Assistant
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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