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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Amazon Plans To Ship Items Before You Buy Them

Amazon has filed a patent for “anticipatory shipping,” which would use customers’ wish lists, previous purchases, and other data to predict which items they would likely purchase in the future and then ship such merchandise to their homes before they have even placed an order. What do you think?

  • “You mean my Pac-Man-shaped ice cube tray might already be here?”

    Joel Redding Dock Worker
  • “That’s fine, but what I like to do is look up an appliance on Amazon.com—just to see if I like it online, you know?—and then I go to Sears and just buy it there.”

    Ross Gordon Internal Medicine Specialist
  • “Good luck knowing what I want. I’m fucking nuts.”

    Ann Fazekas Paystub Issuer

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