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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Amazon Plans To Ship Items Before You Buy Them

Amazon has filed a patent for “anticipatory shipping,” which would use customers’ wish lists, previous purchases, and other data to predict which items they would likely purchase in the future and then ship such merchandise to their homes before they have even placed an order. What do you think?

  • “You mean my Pac-Man-shaped ice cube tray might already be here?”

    Joel Redding Dock Worker
  • “That’s fine, but what I like to do is look up an appliance on Amazon.com—just to see if I like it online, you know?—and then I go to Sears and just buy it there.”

    Ross Gordon Internal Medicine Specialist
  • “Good luck knowing what I want. I’m fucking nuts.”

    Ann Fazekas Paystub Issuer
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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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