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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents

According to police reports nationwide, the popular prescription sleep aid Ambien is being cited in increasing numbers of traffic tickets and accident reports. What do you think?
  • "All right, no more Ambien while driving. Can I still watch porn on my car's DVD player?"

    Trina Fallow Homemaker
  • "I have this recurring dream where I get pulled over and perform very badly on the field sobriety tests. And when I wake up, my license is gone."

    Andy Gately Botanist
  • "First it's no throwing lit firecrackers at other motorists. Now it's no driving while asleep. The safety Nazis are taking all the fun out of getting behind the wheel."

    Brett Vaughn Systems Analyst

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