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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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America Celebrates Valentine’s Day

Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

  • “A 12-pack of Mike’s Hard and a few classic TED Talks.”

    Fiona Ludlow Land Purchaser
  • “My girlfriend and I are going to get back to basics by slaughtering some Christians.”

    Rich Dessen Placard Hanger
  • “I don’t know. I’ll probably get married, I guess.”

    Roy Waugh Driveway Widener

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