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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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America Celebrates Valentine’s Day

Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

  • “A 12-pack of Mike’s Hard and a few classic TED Talks.”

    Fiona Ludlow Land Purchaser
  • “My girlfriend and I are going to get back to basics by slaughtering some Christians.”

    Rich Dessen Placard Hanger
  • “I don’t know. I’ll probably get married, I guess.”

    Roy Waugh Driveway Widener
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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