adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic

A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that compared to foreign brands, cigarettes made in the United States have three times the amount of cancer-causing nitrosamines. What do you think?

  • "Nitrosamines? Yuck. That's why I only smoke Chinese cigarettes, which have only been verifiably shown to contain female fertility hormones and trace amounts of ether."

    Carl Port Systems Analyst
  • "If we can't make them without cancer here, then it's time to start making U.S. cigarettes overseas."

    Suzi Licher Veneer Grader
  • "Whatever. I have health insurance now."

    Keith Loveless Sanitation Worker

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close