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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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American Consumers Happiest Since 2007

Americans’ confidence in the U.S. economy reached its highest level since July 2007, according to the latest reading of a leading consumer sentiment index. What do you think?

  • “Not me. Still on Wellbutrin. Still cutting.”

    H. Clay Singer Enamel Dipper
  • “Not surprising. Who doesn’t love an anemic stabilization with persistently high unemployment after an economic downturn?”

    Kerry Blinco Nitroglycerin Distributor
  • “Probably because they replaced all those space-wasting Borders bookstores with places where you could buy useful things, like Boost Mobile stores.”

    Graham Rackman Hatter
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