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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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American Diet Mostly ‘Ultra-Processed’ Foods

A national survey found that 57.9 percent of Americans’ calorie intake comes from “ultra-processed” foods, or items that include artificial flavors, colors, and emulsifiers. What do you think?

  • “Enough with this elitist insistence upon eating food that’s entirely food-based!”

    Robbie Yos Sponge Wringer
  • “Sure, it’s not the healthiest option, but it’s the only way to guarantee that all the food I eat comes in the shapes I like.”

    Craig Bleu File Corrupter
  • “This is just the information I need to ruin dinner conversation tonight.”

    Carol McGee Garlic Crusher
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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