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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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American Taliban

Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan."

    Peter Dunn Systems Analyst
  • "Why couldn't he have been like other shallow, overprivileged white kids and just spent a few years in Prague?"

    Vicki Robbins Psychologist
  • "As CEO of a major scotch manufacturer, I demand that he be referred to as John Lindh. Our image is going down the toilet, goddammit."

    Tom Eisen CEO
  • "Treason or not, I think it was hurtful and tasteless of Walker to go around in blackface like that."

    Frank Costello Delivery Driver
  • "We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the U.S. is a dead end."

    Burt Bynum Cashier
  • "That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa pronto."

    Roberta Davis Dental Hygienist

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