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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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American Taliban

Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan."

    Peter Dunn Systems Analyst
  • "Why couldn't he have been like other shallow, overprivileged white kids and just spent a few years in Prague?"

    Vicki Robbins Psychologist
  • "As CEO of a major scotch manufacturer, I demand that he be referred to as John Lindh. Our image is going down the toilet, goddammit."

    Tom Eisen CEO
  • "Treason or not, I think it was hurtful and tasteless of Walker to go around in blackface like that."

    Frank Costello Delivery Driver
  • "We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the U.S. is a dead end."

    Burt Bynum Cashier
  • "That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa pronto."

    Roberta Davis Dental Hygienist

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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