American Taliban

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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American Taliban

Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan."

    Peter Dunn
    Systems Analyst
  • "Why couldn't he have been like other shallow, overprivileged white kids and just spent a few years in Prague?"

    Vicki Robbins
    Psychologist
  • "As CEO of a major scotch manufacturer, I demand that he be referred to as John Lindh. Our image is going down the toilet, goddammit."

    Tom Eisen
    CEO
  • "Treason or not, I think it was hurtful and tasteless of Walker to go around in blackface like that."

    Frank Costello
    Delivery Driver
  • "We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the U.S. is a dead end."

    Burt Bynum
    Cashier
  • "That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa pronto."

    Roberta Davis
    Dental Hygienist
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