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After Birth

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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American Teens, French Sex

According to several recent studies, as many as two-thirds of American teens claim to have regular oral sex. What do you think?
  • "Well, you know what they say… Oral sex is the gateway to wanting oral sex for the rest of your life."

    Louise Welker Systems Analyst
  • "What's the angle here? Alarmist or sexy? Because I could go either way."

    Mike Kampmann Roofer
  • "One study quoted several kids as saying they don't even consider oral sex to be 'sex,' but merely a fun thing to do while hanging out with your friends. How come it just sounds creepy when I say it?"

    Bernard Adamson Biologist

After Birth

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