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Content From 2000-02-23

New Mommy A Lot Prettier

BUTLER, PA—According to Courtney and Brady Leuchter, their new mommy doesn't even make them turn off the Nintendo.

Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed herself to a lifetime of hippo-themed gifts Monday. "I don't even know why I said it," said Voldstead, 24, shortly after receiving the small statuette from a coworker. "I don't especially like hippos. I guess I was just trying to find something nice to say since I didn't really like it." The next day at work, Volstead received several "belated" birthday gifts, including a stuffed hippo, a rollerskating-hippo coffee mug, and a hippo-shaped doorstop.

World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch

YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.

Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter instead of major brands, health-food experts reported Monday. "Store-bought brands like Jif and Skippy are loaded with artificial emulsifiers and preservatives. Some of them even contain brown dyes to make them look more 'peanut buttery,'" Dunst said. "This all-natural Sunset Farms peanut butter contains absolutely nothing but fresh peanuts and a little bit of sea salt–and, as an added bonus, the jar is glass instead of plastic." Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie."

Clinton's Sight Restored

BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight. "The first thing Clinton saw when the bandages were removed was the face of his beloved daughter Chelsea," Bethesda ocular surgeon Kenneth Blaine told reporters. Chelsea had been sitting patiently for hours, waiting for him to wake so all could find out whether the highly experimental procedure had been successful. "The president shed a tear, saying that his 'little girl' has grown into a beautiful young woman.'" Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.

Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?

Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit

CLEVELAND–With a puckish gleam in his eye, Northcentral Insurance vice-president Henry McClellan reminisced Monday about his highly publicized sexual-harassment suit of six years ago. "Oh, man, that was a crazy time," McClellan told John Gregorian, his longtime personal attorney, over cocktails at the Lake Erie Yacht Club. "I thought that little prick-tease was going to nail me to the wall on that one. But what you did to her during that cross-exam, John, was truly a thing of beauty. I'll never forget the look on that pretty little face when the verdict was read." The best part, McClellan said, was when the unnamed employee, who had quit her job at Northcentral Insurance prior to the suit, re-applied for work in the company's payroll department and was declined.

Pater Is Haunting Me Again

Aaaagggghhhh! Nurse, nurse, help! Help! The ghost of my late father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, is haunting me again! Help! Murder! Police!

Compliment Suspiciously Vague

ST. CHARLES, MO–According to area secretary Iris Sheehan, co-worker Ellen Higgins' compliment of her new hairstyle was suspiciously vague. "I asked Ellen how she liked my new 'do, and she said it was 'really something.' What the heck does that mean?" Sheehan said. "When I asked her to explain, she said, 'It just suits you really well.'" Sheehan said she has not been this upset over a vague compliment since May 1999, when a friend described her singing voice as "very energetic."

Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later hostings dating back to April 1996, it was reported Monday. "This brutal, senseless parade of C-list celebrities in the host's chair must end," police chief Dennis Showalter said. "We will do everything in our power to bring to justice the fiend responsible for the countless painfully awkward interviews perpetrated by the low-wattage likes of Peri Gilpin, Jerry O'Connell, and Rita Sever."

Dental Hygienist Angered By Lack Of Flossing

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Dental hygienist Bernadette Gable was angered Tuesday by patient Richard Tepfer's failure to floss regularly. "Just look at all this plaque build-up," said Gable, scolding Tepfer during his annual teeth-cleaning. "I explicitly told you last time you were here to floss at least once a day. Why would you just ignore my instructions?" The outraged Gable then pointed toward a poster of a grotesque, bloody mouth ravaged by gum disease, asking Tepfer if he wanted to look like that someday.

Grandma Still Swallowing Okay, Grandpa Reports

BOCA RATON, FL–In an encouraging report issued Monday by Grandpa, Grandma is still swallowing okay. "Yes, Grandma is getting her food down fine," Grandpa said. "She was having a little trouble a few weeks back–especially with the turkey breast, and sometimes even with her stewed prunes, which usually give her no difficulty at all–but things are much better now." Despite the improvement, Grandpa said he "won't take any more chances" with pot roast.

Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just enjoy[s] campaigning." Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: "It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years." Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that "having your own bumper sticker is really neat."
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