Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

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With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall

A new study has found that despite an increase in obesity, Americans have seen their cholesterol levels fall significantly since the late 1980s, possibly as a result of eating fewer trans fats and taking drugs such as Lipitor. What do you think?

  • “Hey, we’re only outwardly disgusting now. That’s a start.”

    Clarissa LaViolette Glass Beveler
  • “While that’s encouraging news for the millions of people currently struggling with obesity in this country, it really sucks for those of us who like to tell them they’re all going to die soon.”

    Daniel Zietlow Vault Cashier
  • “Sounds like a certain nation has a little room for dessert then!”

    Marty Corrigan Tub Washer


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