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Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall

A new study has found that despite an increase in obesity, Americans have seen their cholesterol levels fall significantly since the late 1980s, possibly as a result of eating fewer trans fats and taking drugs such as Lipitor. What do you think?

  • “Hey, we’re only outwardly disgusting now. That’s a start.”

    Clarissa LaViolette
    Glass Beveler
  • “While that’s encouraging news for the millions of people currently struggling with obesity in this country, it really sucks for those of us who like to tell them they’re all going to die soon.”

    Daniel Zietlow
    Vault Cashier
  • “Sounds like a certain nation has a little room for dessert then!”

    Marty Corrigan
    Tub Washer

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