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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Americans Give Thanks

Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think?

  • "I got up at 4 a.m. to give my Sims character a jump on meal prep."

    Olivier Smith Marketing Associate
  • "I really think this is gonna be the year my step-mother finally remembers that I'm a vegetarian."

    Ted Lucht Psychiatrist
  • "I'll be enjoying a quiet, restful evening alone. At least Friday will be a little different once someone discovers my body."

    Livia Kurson Parole Officer

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