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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Americans Marrying Later

Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think?
  • "Oh, great. First my grandmother starts pestering me about not being married, then my parents, and now the national media."

    Dale Steele Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God there's a greater trend I can look to when I ponder my lonely, loveless existence in the midnight hour."

    Lois Halverson Real Estate Clerk
  • "I don't have to worry about marriage at this point in my life. Paying child support for three kids is stressful enough as it is."

    Curtis Fuller Salesperson
  • "It's because of the sluggish economy. It's harder to get a dowry together these days."

    Ruby Turpin Auditor
  • "Christ. Get ready for some of the bitterest-looking bridesmaids in history."

    Marvin Watts Robotics Technician
  • "My folks got married at 17. They were also cousins. Let me know when you have your tape recorder ready."

    Glen Powers Home Health Aide

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