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Americans Marrying Later

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Americans Marrying Later

Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think?
  • "Oh, great. First my grandmother starts pestering me about not being married, then my parents, and now the national media."

    Dale Steele Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God there's a greater trend I can look to when I ponder my lonely, loveless existence in the midnight hour."

    Lois Halverson Real Estate Clerk
  • "I don't have to worry about marriage at this point in my life. Paying child support for three kids is stressful enough as it is."

    Curtis Fuller Salesperson
  • "It's because of the sluggish economy. It's harder to get a dowry together these days."

    Ruby Turpin Auditor
  • "Christ. Get ready for some of the bitterest-looking bridesmaids in history."

    Marvin Watts Robotics Technician
  • "My folks got married at 17. They were also cousins. Let me know when you have your tape recorder ready."

    Glen Powers Home Health Aide

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