adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies

According to an analysis of data from the Department of Health, the decreasing number of Americans having babies corresponds to an increase in the number of small dogs they own, with young women birthing 400,000 fewer children at the same time that small dog ownership has doubled. What do you think?

  • “I prefer having both so they can compete for my affection.”

    Frank Stamper Gift Card Designer
  • “Why would anyone trade parenthood for the inexpensive ease of raising an unconditionally loving dog?”

    Cory Parker Stadium Operations Manager
  • “Well, dogs just have so many advantages over kids, like the fact that they don’t talk and I’m not capable of having children.”

    Kristen Brosnahan Account Specialist

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close