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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Americans Overstate Claims Of Church Attendance

According to a new study, Americans are prone to exaggerating how often they attend church depending on how they are asked, with 36 percent of Americans reporting church attendance in a phone survey compared to the 31 percent answering online surveys. What do you think?

  • “Of course I attend. All children of Ba’al know that He is sated only by our steady and unflinching sacrifice.”

    Chad Gleeson Plaque Engraver
  • “Did this study include Jew and Muslim church?”

    Olivia Snyder Homemaker
  • “The Americans willing to do live phone interviews are so lonely they’ll say whatever will keep you on the phone just a little longer.”

    Francis Kirkwood Shipping Expert

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