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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Americans Overstate Claims Of Church Attendance

According to a new study, Americans are prone to exaggerating how often they attend church depending on how they are asked, with 36 percent of Americans reporting church attendance in a phone survey compared to the 31 percent answering online surveys. What do you think?

  • “Of course I attend. All children of Ba’al know that He is sated only by our steady and unflinching sacrifice.”

    Chad Gleeson Plaque Engraver
  • “Did this study include Jew and Muslim church?”

    Olivia Snyder Homemaker
  • “The Americans willing to do live phone interviews are so lonely they’ll say whatever will keep you on the phone just a little longer.”

    Francis Kirkwood Shipping Expert

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